Ladies and Gentlemen, I am free from sexually transmitted infections. I’m sure you were wondering, possibly squinting at the tiny profile photograph Blogger permits me, asking yourself, “Now what genito-urinary malady does that suspicious looking adolescent almost certainly carry?” If this is what you asked yourself, congratulations on your magnificent sentence structure. You should give your inner monologue a great big hand.
Your inner monologue might be forgiven for wondering (although I shan’t be doing so, I’m easily offended). As of 2007, 1 in 8 British males were found to carry the chlamydia infection, the most common STI in the UK. That was two years ago, and as we all know, things only ever get worse. There are, of course, several other common STIs that hang around in the body’s back alleys, and these too are on the rise. That chlamydia is the most prevalent is worrying as it is also a relatively new infection, that has increased at a nasty rate over the last decade. It is new enough that my laptop spell-check does not recognise the word (it does suggest an alternative, however, ‘chlamydeous,’ a horrific adjective if ever I saw one).
Luckily for all you ladies out there, I am STI free and sparkly clean down there, and have the test results to prove it. They arrived via text message, several worry- filled days after they were supposed to. I was already sure that I had no STIs and had no symptoms, but it seemed like a good time to get tested, partly because I was already in the clinic for an annual check-up and I’m an efficient kinda guy but mostly because I had lost an argument. I had been called out by a female friend, after I had ranted in her earshot about how necessary it is to get tested every once in a while.
It is though. So there. Without the occasional test, one cannot be sure that one has not contracted the Black Lion or some such (Potential Jacobean heroic euphemism for Chlamydia? Answers on a postcard). If you are having unprotected sex with strangers… well, you are an idiot. Would you like to take another swing at it? Knowing you are STI free is good for your peace of mind, but more than that you can expect a level of honesty and respect from your potential squeeze (not to mention take the moral high ground if you get a mysterious itch a fortnight later). If this level of respect were a given, we’d all be clean. STIs are treatable in almost every case. In a society like the UK there is the potential to eliminate them from the populace. If you can kill the little blighters, the percentages should be going down, not up. Were it not for a minority widdling in the collective sex pool, we’d all be able to relax a little bit on the nookie front. It takes five minutes. You just wee in a cup and get a swab. If everyone got tested after every new encounter, we’d all be better off, and there would be far fewer frightening adverts on the telly. Which would be a good thing. I frighten easily.
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