"What's that itch in my brain? Oh, it's self-disgust."

I made a tit out of myself the other night. This is not a rare occurrence, as you may have deduced. I am not going to go into specifics, but it was one of those evenings when the alcohol goes in just as fast as your morals leak out, and my behaviour resembled what was known in 17th century courtly life as a 'savage bellende.'

The next morning, as I lay, mortified, under a duvet stuffed with shame and headaches, I pondered my next move. I suspect that you, dear (and possibly non-existent) reader, have found yourself in a similarly embarrassing situation; I proffer this list of how to cope with disgrace the morning after.

1. Be sure of your movements. Be aware that if your last solid memory is stepping out of a cab outside the pub at half past ten, and your current location is the foot of your bed covered in sick, your journey for the night probably wasn't a straight line between the two. Before you can ascertain what you did, you will certainly need to find out where you did it. The proliferation of CCTV in British streets and clubs will help you map your movements; why not compile a Crimewatch style collage of your night-time meanders?

Note. Places that are not normally covered by CCTV include: bushes, the boots of cars, the middle of golf courses, your front porch. If you go off the grid for a while, you might be asleep in one of these places.

2. Liaise with a cohort. Presumably you have at least one social contact with a continued interest in your acquaintance. Either you have managed to hide from them the fact you occasionally get wasted and act like a jerk, or they have borne witness to your douchebaggery and have decided to remain on your side. The idiots. They are therefore the perfect person to both confirm your actions and defend (i.e. lie about) them until you have the complete picture. Unless they were the target of your alky-hol fuelled gooning. In which case, they might have stabbed you in the back already. I know I would.

3. Check your mail. Or at the very least, your phone's sent message folder. Sample red flag message:

"I dont care wat u say i will liove you 4 eva baby."

On the bright side, at least your phone will let you know who you sent it to, and who you should be avoiding. Unless you sent it to your sister. Then at least... No. There's no bright side on that one.

But electronic foolishness is no longer limited to the cellular telephonic variety (hurrah..?). Now we have the internet! What better way to compound your intoxicated idiocy than to spend an hour before you go to bed commenting on photos of it, and leaving a super deep status message, that will last for all to see until you slither from your nest. Can you say... DELETED!?

Now, forewarned, you have a few choices:

4. Hide. Maybe it'll all blow over. Maybe you weren't that 'handsy'. Maybe she was too drunk to remember. Maybe she overreacted. Maybe you aren't kidding yourself.

5. Deny. "No way. Nu-uh. If I'd have done that I'd have remembered it. That's not something I'd do no matter how drunk I was. Who else even says this? She's just being a bitch. I barely saw her. I was with Dan all night. That's probably not even my blood."

6. Shift the blame. It can't be all your fault if it's someone else's! If there are wolves on your tail, simply throw somebody off the sleigh! By the time the mix up is discovered, perhaps no one will recall who the real culprit was.

Now... who to lumber with things... Who-- wait! Who was that poor sap from before? Y'know, from number 2? They seem like an easy target, let's land it all on them!

7. Take it like a man. This is an all or nothing strategy. Once you accept responsibility for your actions, you're in for a penny, in for a pounding. There's not denying half way- your credibility is already shot. And you best hope you already know all the facts by the time you 'fess up. If not, you will have to accept everything thrown your way. They might be putting in some extra stuff just to see you squirm, but it's too late for pride. You dick.

Once you've made your choice, the consequences lead to only one conclusion:

8. Swear to never drink again. It's ok. One more lie won't hurt anyone.